I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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