Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
