my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
