I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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