Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
