My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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