I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
So vagazzling was a success
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
