I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
