why didn't you poke me back
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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