My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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