you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I didn't notice because vodka
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
