I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
