I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
