so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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