got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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