i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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