my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
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We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
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getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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