We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
