Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We were destined to go to rehab together
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
