dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Randomize
