I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
