Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
