our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Randomize
