smell my finger.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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