didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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