Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
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