Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
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