when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
