I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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