I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
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Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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