Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?