I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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