I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Randomize
