I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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