Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Randomize
