WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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