Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
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