I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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