And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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