My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
