That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
