i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I could make wine with my vomit
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
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