"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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