I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
