Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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