No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize