Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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