she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
