i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
