Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
