Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
