apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
