nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
Randomize
