He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
