genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
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so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
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