Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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