I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
