my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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