...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Randomize
