i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
