Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
