You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
